Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Exes and Ohs!


I'm not one of those people that even has to wonder if I should invite an exboyfriend to my wedding.  This is because I'm not friends with any of my exes.  Because, for me at least, there is a reason they are an ex. A save the date they shall not be receiving!

But this does not mean they've left my mind entirely.  In fact, those break ups are what led me to my current fiancee, they changed me for the better (even though it didn't feel like it at the time).  

And trust me, it has been a long time since I've seriously thought about the guys who have broken my heart. It's a rare moment that I even think about where they've ended up or what my life would be like if I had stayed with them.

But... when one of them friends me on Facebook (as one of them did a few months ago)... it's hard to hit the "ignore" button. I want to, honestly! but some part of me needs to know. I have to find out! Call it morbid curiosity. Call it an insatiable craving to stalk, to satisfy that "what if" itch that rarely rears its ugly head (but when it does... it is impossible not to scratch).

Is he married? Does he have kids? Is he happy?

Turns out: Yes. Yes (OMG - th exbf I knew should NOT have been allowed to have children). And... I don't know.

Another realization (after the speeding up of my heart, the obsessive clicking over each photo, the analyzing of each image and every message on his wall):

I am SO happy he broke my heart. I mean, listen - I would NEVER want to go through that pain again... the tears and the stomach aches and the days without eating.

But years later, having moved on several times over... I can be grateful. That short, static glimpse of what could have been, of where I might have ended up, of who I might have become... makes me SO incredibly thankful that he is a memory of my past, that he is just a friend on Facebook... that he is not the face of my future.

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